June 2018

Life Feels Empty

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Today is Tuesday, May 29, 2018. I am 6 months plus 9 days into this grieving process from losing my son. Since my last post, “Healing Through Nature,” Mother’s Day occurred and Chase’s 6 month Anniversary.

no-1532838__340.jpgIt certainly doesn’t feel like it has been 6 months; it feels like it just happened. I can’t pick what stage I am in. If I were to choose, I would have to say I’m still in Denial. When I face the truth, something stops it in its tracks and slams the door not letting it in.

They say it takes time to get through all the processes. Until I see my son again, this process will remain with me.

Some days I smile and laugh which I am very grateful for. My friends and family have provided such amazing support that I will always cherish very close to my heart. But there isn’t a day, hour, or minute that goes by that I don’t feel completely hollow inside. It’s like a huge piece of me is missing. My life feels empty.

sadness-3421489__340.jpgI went to see the new Star Wars movie, Solo. Within the first ten minutes, I thought to myself how I couldn’t wait to call Chase after the movie and tell him to go see it. Ouch! That hurt!

I still haven’t cleaned his last load of laundry. His car remains sitting in the driveway. I called him last week and left a message on his cell phone. It was so great to hear his voice and so utterly heartbreaking.

On Mother’s Day, I played a song that Chase used to play for me when we were in my car together. He had such a great wide taste in music. It’s difficult not to hear a song that reminds me of him. This courageous attempt I pursued failed with teary eyes. I’m definitely not ready for that.

Lately, I listen to new country music and, of course classical. Chase loved classic country so that is ruled out. I think the only genre he wasn’t very fond of was new country and classical. So I am safe listening to that.

I am leaving for a vacation soon to Cozumel. To be honest, I am feeling a bit anxious about going. For years Chase and I would go on a Mom-Son trip together. Our last trips were to Cancun, Cozumel, and Playa Del Carmen.happy-570881__340.jpg

We had so much fun together. We would forget about the everyday battles in life while on vacation and lived care free for those moments.

This trip will bring back lots of great memories. Bittersweet.

Today is June 7, 2018. I left for my trip to Cozumel and arrived home yesterday. The trip was very relaxing but so so so sad for me. Probably the lowest I have ever felt. I think I had too much alone time which can be dangerous in a state of grief.

fog-1208283__340.jpgThe first few days were very nice and I had a lot of quality thinking time. I relaxed on a lawn chair listening to the ocean waves and viewing the great beauty of The Caribbean Sea. I had many positive talks with Chase.

Soon the uplifting mood changed and I became very down and sad. The last trip Chase and I enjoyed together would be our last. It’s so sad.

One evening I stood very close to the ocean and was talking to Chase and listening to the sounds of the waves aggressively slamming against the large rocks. I felt a sudden, intense tingling all throughout my body. To me, it was Chase giving me a big hug. I could feel his energy.

adult-road__340.jpgTowards the end of the trip, I was feeling very low. One of Chase’s favorite songs came on, “Highway Man,” sung by Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, Kris Kristofferson, and Willie Nelson. It is a very touching song to me. Chase had told several of his friends he wanted it to be played at his funeral.

I am 47 years old and I have never thought of a song I want played at my funeral. If you have never heard the song, it is about a spirit’s journey through life and the various lives it lived. It’s almost like Chase knew his life would be cut short.

The last day of our trip, as I sat alone upstairs on the balcony, another song that Chase really loved appeared on Facebook. A group by the name Disturbed did a remake of “The Sound of Silence,” a classic song written by Simon and Garfunkel. If you listen to the lyrics it is very intense and full of emotions. He loved it. We played at his ceremony. 🙁

the-sea-3058780__340.jpgI know Chase played both of the songs for me. He knew how depressed I was feeling. It was nice to know he was reaching out to me and trying to provide comfort. Although it, of course, brought lots of weeping.

As we left to the airport that afternoon to head back home, I hid my tears behind my sunglasses. It was going to be one of those days.

We checked in at the airport and the ticketing lady said we hadn’t chosen our seats for the ride home and my husband and I wouldn’t be sitting together. She saw the look on my face and after a few moments of fiddling on the computer, she offered us a great deal to upgrade to First Class. We gratefully accepted her offer. I know Chase played a part to this. He was trying to make his Mom happy.

What consumes me lately is thinking of everything he missed out on in life. These thoughts will go on forever I believe. As I go through this journey, I am trying to figure out what I want to do with the second half of my life, I feel I want to travel more.

france-1979547__340.jpgI have the desire to fulfill my life with endless Mom-Son journey’s. Live life for both of us. He will experience traveling with me.

From my readings, I recently have learned that spirits communicate easier when we are close to water. Not necessarily the ocean but just having water around.

Maybe that’s why I felt so close to him when I was steps to the Caribbean ocean. I could feel him with me so much over there. Very emotional.

I want to be positive in this grieving process and try so hard to be that way. Lately, it has been difficult. This is why you haven’t heard from me in several weeks. But I promised to share the stages with you so this is where I am now. I pray for some peace but understand I must go through these stages to get through the process. Through it, never over it!

Until we chat again, many hugs,

Kristy

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Life Feels Empty

  1. You’re my hero. There is not a day that goes by that there is something that make me think about my Chasie Poo. From the blanket I kept in the closet for him to the picture I will forever have in my head of him in the parking lot at Randall’s yelling Mrs Loretta! What I would do to head that again!

    1. I’m not sure if I would say “hero,” I’ve been kind of a mess lately. I truly feel it gets harder because of how much you miss them. I am looking at his pictures now on my desk. He is our hero!! For sure… It was crazy how intense my feelings were in Cozumel. He was right by my side.. He didn’t want to miss out on the beautiful waters. We had the greatest memories going over there.

      Your family was his home too. He adored each one of you! I couldn’t say who was his favorite. 🙂

      You’re awesome Loretta! Have a great Friday!

      Hugs and Kisses,
      Kristy

  2. Been thinking about him recently as well. A sweet older lady who is going through a rough divorce just moved into his old place. They totally upgraded the place with wood floors, new appliances and painted walls. It’s still weird to me though too. Sometimes when I’m leaving for work at 530 am I can smell what chases apt smelled like and I still look up at his balcony every time I’m leaving or coming home. Hope your well, Mrs. Kristy! Miss y’all.

    1. Awwww thank you Danielle! I miss his smell. That’s a way of communication is through aroma. It’s his way of saying hi to you.. That is so sweet. Wow, they upgraded his place. Is she the first to move in? He may visit her. If she ever says anything please let me know. I’m not sure if this is something she would want to hear but he would watch over her for sure. I hope she is doing well with her situation.

      Every time I visited his apartment after his passing I would peer up to the balcony too. I know what that feels like. In hope of maybe all of this is a bad dream and he is standing on his balcony..

      I hope you’re doing well!! Great to hear from you!

      Much Love,
      Kristy

  3. The water explanation is interesting. I felt this very strong feeling to see Lake Michigan. I wanted to be near the lake. So we took a few days to visit Muskegon which is not really a nice place. Anyway, I went to brother’s grave and then to my grandparents’ grave. It was freezing cold and really gray…but the walk on the lake was sunny and warm. I never thought much of it…until now.
    When you write, I think of my mom. Oh how I wish I could have helped my mom through her loss. Ok enough babble…keep writing, please?

    1. You made me smile 🙂 Thank you ! I needed it today. I just recently ready about spirits communicating easier when water is nearby. And I don’t know why but after being close to the ocean all week I believe it. It looks like you felt it too when you were close to the lake. Your brother and grandparents were right there next to you… as they are always!

      In regards to helping your Mom, you DID! You simply being there is all she needed. When a Mom loses her child, it is a very alone and personal process. People really can’t help. We must go through it. A simple cup of coffee and a hug is perfect.

      You reaching out to me provided comfort so give yourself a pat on the back!!!

      You’re wonderful to reach out and I appreciate it!

      Big Hugs,
      Kristy

    1. Awwww you are so so so kind and compassionate.. I am really struggling this past week. 🙁 I just got home from Cozumel so maybe a day or two home will help.. Thank you Liz! You are an angel!

      Much Love,
      Kristy

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