April 3, 2018,
Hi everyone! It is Tuesday, April 3, 2018, a little over four months since Chase’s passing. I heard something last week that I have been thinking about since.
These past couple weeks since my last blog, Driving Down a Dirt Road, I’ve been very busy. I haven’t picked up any nursing shifts nor do I think I ever will again. Several people and many grieving books have mentioned not to make any major decisions for at least a year. I will welcome that advice and keep my license current. It just seems too difficult right now and feel it could resurface emotions. Especially visiting hospice patients. As far as my nursing career, that is where it stands.
As many of you know, I am now working from home doing online work called Affiliate Marketing. This new career is a solid blessing! The place I am most comfortable is home so this is perfect. The more I learn about this business, the busier I become.
It has crossed my mind that I may be fulfilling an emptiness I have inside with this work. I don’t think so but we will see. This line of work helps me get my feelings out which has been very helpful through this process of grieving, and I get to work in my comfy shoes. I say I do my best work in my slippers!
Another new hobby I have is landscaping and decorating Chase’s grave site. Visiting Chase is the most serene, tranquil, and peaceful place in the world. If I could put a desk out there I would. There are so many senses all at once to engage in. Colorful flowers, humming wind chimes, birds chirping, always a nice breeze, and if you’re lucky, a deer or a family of deer can be spotted.
Grave sites aren’t that big, I am starting to run out of things to do out there though. 🙂 If there was a business for decorating and landscaping grave sites I would be first to sign up! 🙂
Grieving really does change a person. There used to be a Kristy that was very anxious and worried at the drop of a hat about anything. She never sat down and ran around the house making sure everything was perfect. That person has been gone since November 19, 2017.
This new me is much calmer. I guess when you experience such a life changing event, situations can’t get much worse. Your perspective on every day living shifts.
So the comment I heard last week that I keep thinking about and am very grateful It was said was, “What About Me?”
My husband and I were sitting with another couple and I don’t even remember what I said but it made my husband, Mark, say, “What About Me?” I think I was talking about the way I perceive life and death now. This will sound very weird to you but I honestly have zero fear at all about death.
Death, to me, means something great is about to happen. I look forward to it. That doesn’t mean I want to die right now or that I am depressed and suicidal or anything negative. It just means my son will greet me with his giant comforting bear hug and I can hear him laugh again. Tell me that’s not heaven!
My husband has heard me speak this way since November. Honestly, I haven’t even thought about how that may hurt my family and my husband. It sounds terrible doesn’t it? It is! Mark lost a lot too. A big part of his wife is gone and probably will not come back. That must be so hard. I used to go out socially all the time with him. I was his sidekick.
So this is where I am now. There a lot of people grieving a loss that will read this. I know lots of Chase’s family will. They say to be selfish and take care of yourself and do what is best for you during this process. But, let’s not forget about our closest loved ones who are suffering too. There are so many avenues to suffering and grieving. All family members go through this.
There are brothers, sisters, Mom’s, Dad’s, Grandparent’s, cousins, Aunts, Uncle’s, close friends, pets, and more, that are impacted with the loss of a loved one. A death affects a family really hard but it also affects the community.
Let us all think about the words Mark spoke, What About Me, and try to pay a little more attention to someone you love that you haven’t spent much time with. Quality time. Make him or her a cup of coffee, sit with them when they get home from work, prepare a dinner, simply be there for them! They love you, and you love them. And I love all of you!
God Bless and Great Big Chase Hugs to You,
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