Today is May 1, 2018, a little over 5 months since losing my only child. It is the largest and biggest hurdle of life a parent can ever climb over.
Some days, it grows taller and taller. In fact, I’ve actually given up trying to climb over it. I finally, just recently, decided to slowly walk around it.
This child loss obstacle is one that has no winning end. There really isn’t even a finish line. It goes on and on along with life.
It’s a heavy piece of luggage we carry around daily. Some days, it is too heavy to carry so we can’t travel anywhere. We stay home and hope the weight is lighter tomorrow.
This is something I am beginning to learn to live with, to cope with. It’s not going anywhere so I need to make some personal changes.
I decided last night, to paint my suitcase something bright and put lots of beautiful flowers inside it, maybe some vibrant butterflies and colorful hummingbirds too.
When the load becomes too heavy to carry, I will open it and let some of the bottled up beauty inside escape around me to blanket me with comfort.
My life will go on. It is time for me to accept the losing card I have been dealt and turn it into a winning hand. My son’s life ended way too brief. He missed out on way too much. I can’t even let myself begin to think of all he missed out on. It hurts too much.
So, because of that, I MUST live for both of us!
My life has mostly been pretty blessed. My family always accused me of having all the luck. Everything seemed to fall gently in my lap. Funny how that struck out!
I don’t try to make sense out of this or ask God why. I just have to accept it and move forward.
How will I ever be happy again?
I can say I don’t know the exact answer to this question but what I have learned these past 5 months is that there are times when I am able to feel happiness. Knowing this, I feel it is necessary to prolong those moments to last longer and have these things around me constantly. What makes you happy with live?
Every week I run to the store and buy fresh flower bouquet for Chase’s site. The middle of his grave site is filled with white river rocks that I align with fresh flowers. The colors really stand out against the white rock.
It’s always so beautiful. I sit and gaze at his site and talk with Chase. It brings me peace.
Luckily nowadays florists dye flowers different colors. Chase had light green and white carnations for St Patrick’s Day, bright blue Mums for his birthday, and now each week I find a Spring-time color and flower for him.
It’s my personal routine and weekly tradition that I look very forward to doing. I think he likes it too. 🙂
Another thing I try to fill my mind with is Inspirational Thoughts. When I wake up in the morning I grab my IPad and look up inspirational quotes to start my day. Many times, I read something so meaningful it brings tears to my eyes. I know it’s a keeper. It’s a lovely way to start your day. These quotes are inspiring me at this time:
- Actually, I Can
- You Were Given This Life Because You Are Strong Enough to Live It
- It Won’t Be Easy But It Will Be Worth It
- You Can’t Start the Next Chapter of Your Life If You Keep Re-Reading the Last One
- Never Stop Looking Up
- The Happiest People Don’t Have the Best of Everything, They Just Make the Best of Everything
When I read other grieving parents books, messages, and encouraging thoughts, I notice some parents are full of hurt and anger. Surprisingly, others have beautiful inspiring things to say. They still hurt but something has seasoned their pain and guided them down another path. I pray I am now headed down this path with these special people.
It is difficult for me to listen to music at times. Sometimes if I am at a restaurant and I hear a song that hits too close to home, I hurriedly run outside.
I never listen to music in my car. Silence is golden.
My son had his own genre of music he enjoyed and being the old soul he is, he enjoyed much of the same music as me. He created a Pandora station that we play by the pool and friends ask who made the station. It’s tough listening to reminders like that.
Music that my son wasn’t too fond of was soothing music, mostly classical. 🙂 I can understand a 21-year old not enjoying this type of music. 🙂 When I am tucked away in my little office in the back of the house, I listen to soothing music on my Echo and it relaxes me. It’s my writing music. 🙂
A breath of fresh air is so underrated! It is a vitamin for your mind. As soon as I walk outside I feel my body exhale and relax. When the sun wraps its arms around me and gives me a warm hug, it makes me happy.
When the days are the toughest, it’s vital to get outdoors. Even if it’s only for a few minutes. I understand how hard it is to do anything on those particular ugly days.
It is something I will force myself to do now that I am choosing to go around the hurdle and not try to climb up it anymore.
This new path will have singing birds and a flower garden with a light at the end of the tunnel.
Change Your Thinking Habits
This will take time and practice to keep this positive energy moving forward. I am ready for this challenge. Spend some time with yourself to find out what makes you happy and try to create more of it into your daily routine. If it’s music, turn it on. If it’s flowers, grab a bundle, they last over a week. 🙂 If you find peace in cooking, make a favorite meal.
Beautiful Pictures of Nature
I did not realize how much unique beauty there is in this world until I started looking up various pictures. Wow, this world is gorgeous and there are beautiful pictures of nature everywhere.
Lots of people think they have to travel to another country to see Mother Nature at her finest. It is not true. It is right here at our finger tips.
Every country, island, state, nation, etc. has its own unique wildlife. The birds are different, flowers, reptiles, etc. There is beauty all over. You just have to look for it. It may be right next to you.
When your eyes are closed and your heart is broken you can’t see all the surrounding beauty. I am learning how imperative it is to open my eyes, get some fresh air, smell the flowers, listen to the birds sing, feel the breeze and sun on my face again.
All of these will eventually pick up the pieces to my broken heart. It will always be broken, but at least the shattered pieces can be put back together.
Find out what it is that gives you that little inner peace and make it happen. It all begins with your thoughts. Challenge yourself. After losing a loved one, we can do anything!
As always, I encourage your comments and would love to hear from you.