This article was written a few months ago. It is a rough draft that I planned to edit but it was a difficult time so I didn’t want to go through it again. In that case, I decided to leave it as is, Unedited.
Today is November 13, 2018. The Anniversary of the Loss of my Son is hovering, 6 days away. I feel the word “anniversary” is a celebratory word and I don’t quite feel it is appropriate for this particular day. A different approach to consider is for the anniversary of a loss to be the rebirth of the soul.
I am really struggling right now. The same anxiety and lost feelings I had one year ago are intensely back except this time, except the deep dense fog that protects grieving parents immediately after their life changing loss is now gone.
God certainly knew what he was doing with supplying that shield of protection. I wish it lasted a lifetime.
As I sit here in bed reading Chase’s Facebook posts, pictures, and memories, I am searching for something to help ease what I’m feeling. I did this a year ago too. You feel desperate, confused, scared, lost…
Wow have these feelings resurfaced. How could one day be so difficult?
I know my writing has been minimal the past couple months. I have kept myself very busy with a very small business and am back working two days a week at my former job.
At times I think to myself, “what are you doing?” I’m not sure if this self-induced business is from simply wanting to try something new and exciting or from extreme fear and anxiety.
Fear of what though? I’ve faced the worst already…
There is zero difference in the sadness and intense missing of my son. I get struck with very sudden hard cries almost daily when you least expect it. Fortunately they don’t last long.
I can put on a happy face. I can laugh and smile and enjoy myself. But underneath is a grieving Mom who still can’t wait to hug her son again.
Death is still an encounter I have no fear about and wouldn’t mind one bit if it happened at any moment. Unless you’re in my shoes, you can’t understand that. There is only one way I will see my son again.
I found myself looking up Complicated Grief recently and sometimes wonder if I’m experiencing that. I am totally wrapped up in the first stage still, Denial. I know he is gone but won’t allow my mind to accept a lifetime without him.
I try every night to meditate and receive a visit from Chase in my dreams. It is the only way I can see him smile, here his laugh, feel his big hug.
The loss of a child doesn’t get easier. I still think it gets harder. We just learn to smile and cope with it. There are better days but not a minute goes by that I don’t think of my son.
As I said before, EVERYTHING reminds me of him… Everything!
I know some of my friends and family may read this and be shocked at my words. They’re just honest. Behind my smiles is pain. It will always be there. I’m strong enough though and will get through this life lesson.
From what I’ve read, the harder life lesson you have on Earth, the higher level your soul reaches. Chase and I will both climb several steps after these lives.
I hope I don’t discourage anyone who is battling grief with my personal thoughts. Heck, I’m sure many of you will understand. Just know there is someone out there who feels the same hidden pain.
We all have a lesson to learn from. Remember there is a beautiful colored garden in our path. Sometimes the weeds get so thick and the flowers are buried. The more we remove them, the clearer and brighter our new path will become.
Stay Strong!
Big Hugs,
Kristy