Today is Tuesday, May 29, 2018. I am 6 months plus 9 days into this grieving process from losing my son. Since my last post, “Healing Through Nature,” Mother’s Day occurred and Chase’s 6 month Anniversary.
It certainly doesn’t feel like it has been 6 months; it feels like it just happened. I can’t pick what stage I am in. If I were to choose, I would have to say I’m still in Denial. When I face the truth, something stops it in its tracks and slams the door not letting it in.
They say it takes time to get through all the processes. Until I see my son again, this process will remain with me.
Some days I smile and laugh which I am very grateful for. My friends and family have provided such amazing support that I will always cherish very close to my heart. But there isn’t a day, hour, or minute that goes by that I don’t feel completely hollow inside. It’s like a huge piece of me is missing. My life feels empty.
I went to see the new Star Wars movie, Solo. Within the first ten minutes, I thought to myself how I couldn’t wait to call Chase after the movie and tell him to go see it. Ouch! That hurt!
I still haven’t cleaned his last load of laundry. His car remains sitting in the driveway. I called him last week and left a message on his cell phone. It was so great to hear his voice and so utterly heartbreaking.
On Mother’s Day, I played a song that Chase used to play for me when we were in my car together. He had such a great wide taste in music. It’s difficult not to hear a song that reminds me of him. This courageous attempt I pursued failed with teary eyes. I’m definitely not ready for that.
Lately, I listen to new country music and, of course classical. Chase loved classic country so that is ruled out. I think the only genre he wasn’t very fond of was new country and classical. So I am safe listening to that.
I am leaving for a vacation soon to Cozumel. To be honest, I am feeling a bit anxious about going. For years Chase and I would go on a Mom-Son trip together. Our last trips were to Cancun, Cozumel, and Playa Del Carmen.
We had so much fun together. We would forget about the everyday battles in life while on vacation and lived care free for those moments.
This trip will bring back lots of great memories. Bittersweet.
Today is June 7, 2018. I left for my trip to Cozumel and arrived home yesterday. The trip was very relaxing but so so so sad for me. Probably the lowest I have ever felt. I think I had too much alone time which can be dangerous in a state of grief.
The first few days were very nice and I had a lot of quality thinking time. I relaxed on a lawn chair listening to the ocean waves and viewing the great beauty of The Caribbean Sea. I had many positive talks with Chase.
Soon the uplifting mood changed and I became very down and sad. The last trip Chase and I enjoyed together would be our last. It’s so sad.
One evening I stood very close to the ocean and was talking to Chase and listening to the sounds of the waves aggressively slamming against the large rocks. I felt a sudden, intense tingling all throughout my body. To me, it was Chase giving me a big hug. I could feel his energy.
Towards the end of the trip, I was feeling very low. One of Chase’s favorite songs came on, “Highway Man,” sung by Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, Kris Kristofferson, and Willie Nelson. It is a very touching song to me. Chase had told several of his friends he wanted it to be played at his funeral.
I am 47 years old and I have never thought of a song I want played at my funeral. If you have never heard the song, it is about a spirit’s journey through life and the various lives it lived. It’s almost like Chase knew his life would be cut short.
The last day of our trip, as I sat alone upstairs on the balcony, another song that Chase really loved appeared on Facebook. A group by the name Disturbed did a remake of “The Sound of Silence,” a classic song written by Simon and Garfunkel. If you listen to the lyrics it is very intense and full of emotions. He loved it. We played at his ceremony. 🙁
I know Chase played both of the songs for me. He knew how depressed I was feeling. It was nice to know he was reaching out to me and trying to provide comfort. Although it, of course, brought lots of weeping.
As we left to the airport that afternoon to head back home, I hid my tears behind my sunglasses. It was going to be one of those days.
We checked in at the airport and the ticketing lady said we hadn’t chosen our seats for the ride home and my husband and I wouldn’t be sitting together. She saw the look on my face and after a few moments of fiddling on the computer, she offered us a great deal to upgrade to First Class. We gratefully accepted her offer. I know Chase played a part to this. He was trying to make his Mom happy.
What consumes me lately is thinking of everything he missed out on in life. These thoughts will go on forever I believe. As I go through this journey, I am trying to figure out what I want to do with the second half of my life, I feel I want to travel more.
I have the desire to fulfill my life with endless Mom-Son journey’s. Live life for both of us. He will experience traveling with me.
From my readings, I recently have learned that spirits communicate easier when we are close to water. Not necessarily the ocean but just having water around.
Maybe that’s why I felt so close to him when I was steps to the Caribbean ocean. I could feel him with me so much over there. Very emotional.
I want to be positive in this grieving process and try so hard to be that way. Lately, it has been difficult. This is why you haven’t heard from me in several weeks. But I promised to share the stages with you so this is where I am now. I pray for some peace but understand I must go through these stages to get through the process. Through it, never over it!
Until we chat again, many hugs,