February 21, 2018

At this particular day in my life, it has been three months and three days since my child was removed from my life. I will always, with every breath I take, think of him. He is my very first thought when I open my eyes each day and my very last thought when I close my eyes at night.

In the first two months after losing my son, I didn’t want to hear anything positive. My focus was what my mind was full of: dread, sadness, and despair. The grief websites I visited and read explained the raw solid truth, the stabbing pain of other grievers. I ignored any articles that had any inspiration or motivation. Those feelings were so far away from my soul and I wanted no part of them. I questioned What is Faith, Love and hope?

I replied to several posts on various grief websites spilling my heart out over and over but knowing nobody could help. I received a private message on Facebook from another grieving mom who must’ve known through her experience how fresh my loss was. She tried to comfort me and spoke about hope, living, and encouragement. After reading the message, I smirked.

I constantly spoke to my son, over and over again. What happened? Why? How could this happen? No No NO! This isn’t happening. I can’t believe this is happening! How do I live life? Does this sound redundant? Well that’s how my mind felt. Don’t forget, to this day, the day I am writing this post, February 21, 2018, I still do not know the cause of my son’s passing.

One afternoon a couple days before Christmas, my lovely niece, Madisen, and I were at my son’s apartment. Chase wasn’t there. He passed away the week of Thanksgiving. I paid another month for his apartment even though management was allowing me to break the lease. The thought of removing his world and putting it in a box was beyond anything I could handle at that time.

I loved being there. His apartment was his life. His home. I had decorated the living room and kitchen in reds and golds and placed a Christmas tree in the corner of the living room for him even though his physical self was gone. It was the most beautiful tree I’ve ever seen. It was decorated with Star Wars ornaments, his favorite.

My niece was in town for Christmas break and she, as all of us, was devastated. I tried to pull myself together for a solitary afternoon with just she and I alone together. She needed me and I needed her. We decided to have a bake off. Bake at Chase’s apartment, listen to Christmas music, and spend quality time with my niece. A day I will never forget. One of the recipes called for a sifter. There was no way my son, 21 years old had a sifter nor knew what a sifter was! But guess what, we found a sifter! Granted, it looked as if it had ever been used but we found one. We both got a real kick out of that. 🙂

My niece is a very spiritual young lady. She has been close to God since she was very young. A true blessing. I can’t remember exactly what she said that day but something she said got my attention. I remember talking with her and at the same time thinking to myself, Oh my gosh, through all that I have been going through, I completely have forgotten about God! I spend all my waking days talking to Chase.

Later that night as I layed in bed, I prayed and prayed. I apologized that I had not prayed sooner. When a parent loses a child, hitting rock bottom is an understatement. The devastation and disbelief overwhelms you to a point of chaotic lunacy. I was in a very vulnerable desperate point in my life. And honestly, living was my last priority. My life left on November 19, 2017 when my son left me. And every waking day moving forward is another heart break. How many times can a person handle having their heart broken?

I asked God for help. I needed help. I needed something, anything. Please help me!

Immediately following Chase’s passing, several friends would text me checking on me and asking how I was. Of course, I would make something up so they wouldn’t worry because what i was truly feeling would only signal a red flag to others. So I kept it all inside. Bottled up. Than after several weeks passed, my same friend text me asking how I was doing and on that particular day, I replied, I want to live!

This, is finding your faith, love, and hope..

I can only speak for myself in this unique and personal process. I don’t think hope is something I thought about nor prayed about.

Through all the pain, we parental grievers get to a point where we have nothing left and we finally succumb to having to live again. We are basically forced. There is no aha moment. Nothing will ever bring our child back and unless a miracle happens and we get hit by a meteor, we are stuck here.

So if you ask yourself, “what is faith, love and hope?”

Faith, love, and hope will find you!

I can now say I can read the positive Daily Inspirational Quotes and prayers unlike before. It has only been a few weeks that this new feeling has encaptured me. A lot has to do with knowing how much my son would hate to see me cry, hurt, beat myself up with guilt. He hated me always worrying about him. It drove him nuts. I still worry to this day about him and wonder where he is in his spiritual journey. As a Mom, I can’t help but worry about my child, even when he is gone.

For all of my fellow grievers, finding your faith, love, and hope will happen when you least expect it. It will happen with time. These beautiful small things are tiny baby steps in this Grieving Process. I am glad I get to share this with you. Like i said, this is a life long journey. I will share every step of my way with you. Feel free to leave yours with me!

 

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