March 3, 2018
Today is Saturday, March 3, 2018, a dreary partly cloudy day with a forecast for rain. I have to say that’s exactly how I am feeling. A lot has gone on since my last post on February 27, 2018, Am I Going Crazy. The last time I chatted with you I mentioned that I had thought about cleaning my son’s laundry. He has a couple of loads sitting in a hamper. I left the hamper sitting in the hall for a long time. It seemed so real to view his dirty clothes in the hall as I waltzed through the house periodically. It felt like he was home.
Two days ago I decided I better get in Chase’s 2002 mint green Volkswagen Golf to be sure the engine started. Yes this 6’4″ 250lb gentle giant drove this little car. 🙂 I hadn’t started the engine in months so it was way past due. It has crossed my mind several times but for some reason, I procrastinated.
So I grabbed his keys, walked out to the car, opened the door, and BAM! I immediately smelled him. Chase loved his surrounding area as well as himself to smell good. He lit candles in his bedroom when he lived at home, had candles in his apartment as well as one of those electric scent diffusers that he never turned off, and of course, he wore lots of cologne. I have a bottle of his Aqui de Gio in my bathroom that I open and sniff often.
His car had several items laying around; several empty water bottles and energy drinks, lots of fast food receipts, an AC air freshener, a pair of dirty socks, and an aux cord. It was Chase! When I visited him at his apartment the first thing I did was grab his empty water bottles laying around and threw them away. In his apartment, rather than fast food receipts, he had several Top Ramen wrappers to discard. Hence, he was twenty-one. 🙂
My husband had to help me start the car. I am not used to a clutch so his assistance was needed. I began to tidy up his car as I always did his entire life. I can’t help it. Even when I visit his gravesite I am picking leaves off his white rocks and removing any organic debris that has blown in with the wind. I will forever keep him tidy.
I could feel my emotions begin to escalate. The more I was in his car, the harder it was to hide my tears from my husband. Thank goodness he started the car and left. I sat in his car acting busy grabbing the items I mentioned before. I actually threw away the receipts and empty water bottles and honestly, I regret it. I wish I left everything as it was. It was Chase in the living. The scent of Chase got stronger and stronger as well as my intense urge to cry. I had no idea getting in his car would resurface so many emotions. Boy was I foolish! For the next hour I sat in the bathroom sobbing. I couldn’t stop. It was like everything started all over again.
There will be times when these sudden emotions arise and we uncontrollably are covered with a tidal wave of emotions. I think that is why I stay home all the time. It is safe here. I don’t turn music on because a song may remind me of Chase, I don’t observe young adults going about there daily business, seeing a Mom and her child hurts, heck, it’s hard to go shopping at HEB because the last time I saw Chase we went grocery shopping at HEB. Every little thing reminds me of him.
Needless to say, the rest of the day was cloudy with lots of thunderstorms.
The next morning I woke up still feeling down. I wasn’t sure if it was from several nights of insomnia or the resurgent of emotions. My husband wanted to go get pizza at our favorite pizza joint, Dan’s Pizza. I really wanted to stay home but I knew it would be nice to spend time with my husband and pizza is my favorite so I got dressed and put on make-up, for a change, and off we went.
When Mark and I left and got in the car I noticed the time, 4:23. The forensic science facility closes at 5:00 so every day I check for the results from Chase’s autopsy report when they open at 9:00am and when they close at 5:00 and, of course, I check throughout the day. This has been going on for 104 days.
The results this time didn’t say pending, it said Accident.
I urgently called to get more information. My hands were shaking and I had a feeling of dread. The lady asked for his case number, which I of course had memorized, and proceeded to read the results to me.
Chase did not pass from suicide, overdose, accidental overdose, heart attack, stroke, aneurysm, etc. What took his life was an “adverse affect” of three different medications taken within a 24 hour period that made him toxic. None of them were narcotics. One medication was dextromethorphan which is an over the counter cough medicine that is in several cold and flu medicines you can purchase at grocery stores and pharmacies. Chase had gotten the flu shot the same week he passed away and it made him very sick. He posted several times on Facebook how sick he was feeling and made a comment of how expensive flu medicine was and soup. A text message he sent to my brother the day before he passed away stated, “I feel like I am dying!”
I can’t narrow down exactly how I am feeling right now. It’s a mixture of anger, sadness, extreme guilt! I have no sense of closure, moreso an uninvited opening. An opening from the beginning of this grieving process all over again. It sucks!
Chase’s birthday is March 8, this Thursday. I do believe it may be cloudy with a forecast for rain this week. Thanks for listening!
This necklace is a Mother of an Angel Ash or Hair holder. You can click on the link below and it will take you directly to the necklace. It speaks for itself.. so meaningful. I love wearing all my grief jewelry in memory of Chase. I feel he is close to my heart