March 18, 2018

Today is Sunday, March 18, 2018. It is exactly 16 weeks since my son’s passing, 4 months ago. My days are so erratic with emotional twists and turns that spiral out of control at any given moment. I barely talk on the phone now because if someone asks how I’m doing I can’t hold back my true feelings and it may open up the flood gates.

When I write now, I am not sure which feeling to share. The sunny days are becoming less and less. With that in mind, I decided it was appropriate to share what I am going through at this time.

My birthday was this past Thursday, March 15. I was dumbly surprised at how sad I was on that day. My spirits were lifted on Chase’s birthday the prior week but on my birthday they were terribly low. I would’ve thought the opposite. That was definitely a surprise to me.

This whole grief thing is like driving down a dirt road in the dark. You can’t see where the potholes are coming. You just suddenly fall into them.

I was thinking about having a nice Sunday brunch at our favorite brunch place for my birthday. Instead of celebrating on the Thursday we would enjoy it the following Sunday. Then, of course, my mind began contemplating on maybe just staying home and making brunch at the house. Nice and relaxing. I can’t seem to ever want to leave. 🙂

Sunday morning arrived and my wishy-washy mind couldn’t make the final decision to cook at home or keep our reservation. It would be nice not cooking and cleaning but If we go out I have to get all dressed up which seems to be such a chore these days.

I debated on this for a couple hours and lunchtime was creeping in. To be perfectly honest, at this point, I didn’t want to do anything. Lately all I want to do is sit home and read and write. I can’t wait to hide in my bedroom at night where I can be me, the real me.

My husband was patiently waiting for a response from me. Eager to make my wish happen. The more I thought about what I wanted to do, the more anxious I became. A simple decision became so difficult.

The only definite decision I could think of and want to happen right now is to have my son back. That’s the only thing I want. It overwhelms my thoughts all the time.

All I want is for him to walk down the hall in the morning and open up the fridge. All I want is to hear his car coming down the street and see him pull up in the driveway. All I want is to hear my phone go off and it is him.

Suddenly, bam, I landed in a deep hole. Grief slapped me in the face. I hurriedly went into Chase’s bathroom to be alone. Chase’s cat Tom walked in between my legs back and forth hugging me and purring very loud trying to comfort me.

I thought to myself how shitty this new life is. Why is this getting harder? How much harder can this get?

For the very first time in my life I pity myself. I actually feel sorry for who I am at this time in my life and what I am going through. I know this may come across as selfish but it is my honest feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely want NO PITY from others! And I want to stress that! But I just despise this, it hurts!

When I feel this way the ONLY thing that helps me get through the day is going to visit Chase. So here I sit at Chase’s site. I’m so glad I’m here. Writing helps too so I am starting to feel better. There’s always tomorrow. Thank God!

At first, I wasn’t going to share this but then I told myself, this journey I am sharing is for the good and bad. Any parent who is a member of this crappy club will have days like this or have experienced this already and will know they aren’t alone. I will make my next post a happy one. I hope!

With this in mind, if you are grieving, prepare yourself for sudden bursts of uncontrolled waves of grief. Remember, this day shall pass and tomorrow is right around the corner.

Do something that brings you a moment of inner peace and love. It may be brief but it’s the baby steps that count. Whatever it takes to lift you out of the sorrow you are feeling. Be selfish with your wants and needs. Your true friends and family will understand. They love you!

Much Hugs,

Kristy