Today is Monday, April 23, 2018, five months after losing my only child. I am beginning to think I’m stuck in the Denial Stage of the Grieving Process. When I think of how my son is gone, I immediately block it from my thought. It is hard to imagine my future without him. To grow old alone without my son is unimaginable.
In my readings, I have found out that this grieving process can last 18 months and up to 5 years. I think it is a lifetime. Especially after losing a child.
Every single thing reminds me of my son. Food, music, cooking, restaurants, events, friends, his cat, cars, hearing something funny, movies, you name it, I think of him.
It is very hard to go grocery shopping. My son had his own apartment so when I would go visit, we would head to the store and shop. He would get so excited when Mom was shopping with him because I paid the bill of course. 🙂
When he shopped with his own money, he would buy the bare necessities which consisted of lots of Ramen Noodles so when I was with him, it was a special treat. I enjoyed doing it. He was always so grateful! It is now difficult for me to walk into a grocery store.
My days are spent writing content for my two websites. I am so thankful I found this new business. This work at home job is a God send. I am able to grieve alone at home and work along the way. It’s a blessing!
Chase would never believe his Mom is building websites and active with several social media accounts! It’s crazy that I am doing this. As I have mentioned before, after a tragic loss, you change. This is the new me that I am getting to know.
In a prior article, I mentioned how I will never be a grandparent. This is a big loss for me. When you picture a family, there is always a grandparent. When I think of a holiday, I envision the entire family getting together. I used to daydream about my son and his family coming over and watching them grow through the years.
I lost my family I had with my son. Yes, I still have my Mom and siblings but my home life, my every day home life is gone forever! This is another loss I am struggling with right now.
Part of everyone’s life is filled with normal struggles and worries about their future. A parent typically worries about their child. It is just normal to worry about your kids. I worried myself sick over my child. It overwhelmed my thoughts constantly. We want the absolute best for our kids. We work hard for them and give them the shirts off our back.
I have none of that now. Never again will I worry about my son’s happiness, his job, if he will go back to school, his relationship, his finances, health, bills, cars, etc. No more worrying. It sucks! I would give anything to worry again about my child!
My mind is empty. My life is quiet.
Early this week something scary entered my thoughts. I have no children now and will not have grandchildren in the future. Who will take care of me when I grow old? Who will take care of my husband and I? We are alone.
I jokingly said to my husband the other day, “I sure hope you like me because it’s just you and me, we are all we got!”
I have nieces and a nephew but they will be busy taking care of their parents. This sounds silly but it is real. Elderly people eventually need assistance with daily living. I’ve worked in several retirement homes while in home health and never really thought of myself living in one.
I better be ultra sweet to my nieces and nephew so they visit me in the retirement home. 🙂
This is where I am at this time in my new life. I need to take care of myself knowing my husband and I only have each other. One of us better keep our mentality!
Lots of Hugs,