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Am I Going Crazy – February 27, 2018

 

February 27, 2018

Today will be three months and sixteen days since my son, Chase, passed away. The autopsy report is still pending. My last update on where I am in this grieving process was February 21 , 2018, Finding Hope Again. I am truly blessed I walked across that line and found hope. I was struggling. Life was meaningless before. Now I seem to be experiencing a sense of curiosity of what my future will unfold. I have an anxious feeling, unaware, a bit scary.

Lost and Confused Signpost

My life has completely changed. I almost feel like a child learning new things. I am tackling and learning things I never would’ve considered before November 19, 2017, the day Chase passed away. I am beginning to say to myself, “am I going crazy?”

Many parents have thought there was something wrong with them through this whole process. Their entire life has changed and they don’t know what to do with it. From changing careers, developing a foundation, helping with charities, or doing something totally different than their norm. It is normal to ask yourself, “am I going crazy.” All the love we have for our child is still deep in our soul. We have to share it somewhere.

To me, Chase did not pass away. He is so alive! More alive than ever! The things I do now are things he did before. Weird huh? It’s crazy to think I would connect with him this way but I am. I almost feel like he lives through me.

woman on chair

My daily routine is to wake up after sleeping a few hours, throw on my workout pants and a t-shirt, brush my teeth, and maybe, just maybe, Ill put lipstick and mascara on. I do this for my husband because he was used to seeing me wear full make-up every day, hair styled, and pants without an elastic waist. I then proceed to my comfy chair in the living room and sit there all day until it is time to go to the bedroom, where I barely sleep.

We used to be a very active social couple. Now, I have no desire to go anywhere. I will, at times, go to an event but it’s only for my husband. He has a life too so I try to be by his side. We used to go out to dinner several times a week, sip on wine at home and enjoy each other’s company. The things I enjoyed before have changed. It’s like they aren’t as meaningful. Maybe this will pass but I wanted to share this in case you as a grieving parent experience this. Like I said, I am going to share my emotions and experiences while healing after the loss of my child.

A month ago I was searching for part time jobs online and Work at Home jobs kept popping up. I have always looked at those particular jobs as fraud and too good to be true careers. I curiously started doing a little research and to make a long story short, I found a company that tweaked my interest, Wealthy Affiliate. They were offering a free one week trial so I thought, why not give it a chance. I certainly have the time these days and sit on my arse in front of the TV accomplishing nada. So here I am, one month later writing on this website. The work from home one week free trial has now become a full-time job for me.  It is my passion these days.

I spend hours upon hours adding material to my website and searching for appropriate pictures to enhance quality. I crave doing it and it is almost an addiction. I lose sleep at night because I think of new material to add and if I come up with something I like, I eagerly sit up in bed, grab my laptop and start writing. I am not sure if what I am going i may be going crazythrough is normal or has some psychological name. All I know is it “keeps me from going insane!”

I have to share this with you. My son had the Waylon Jennings quote, “I’ve Always Been Crazy But It Kept Me From Going Insane” posted under his name in all his social media. It was printed on his pamphlet at his memorial service and will be proudly displayed on his tombstone.

The best advice I can give to you at this point in the grieving process, which is three months for me, is to write your emotions down. Every thought in your mind, good or bad, guilt, sadness, pain, comfort, hate, anything, write it! I have shared all of my personal, honest to the core, painful emotions right here on this website and it has been the best medicine I could ask for. The more I write, the more I get out. It is a release!

This is where I am at this moment in my life. For the first time since November 19, I have considered washing my son’s clothes. It is just a thought. I haven’t reacted to it yet. He had about two loads of dirty laundry in his apartment that I have in a hamper still. My son’s dirty clothes laying around feels like home to me. I am sure you understand!  I will end here and let you know if I was able to clean his laundry on my next chat with you.

Please feel free to leave a comment below and share your experiences with me. I am here for you!

mother of an angel

 Check Price on Amazon.com

 

This necklace is a Mother of an Angel Ash or Hair holder. You can click on the link above and it will take you directly to the necklace. It speaks for itself.. so meaningful. I love wearing my jewelry in memory of Chase. I feel he is close to my heart.

 

 

 

4 thoughts on “Am I Going Crazy – February 27, 2018

  1. Hang in there, Kristy. I’m sure this will be difficult for you, but I’m confident you will emerge a better person.

    1. It is difficult, yes, but I know his spirit is so alive and I will see him again. I just have to make it through life here 🙂 My life is brand new now. I am getting to know the new Kristy. Not sure who she is yet. A whole lot calmer for sure, and quieter.. I will become a better person for my son. Life has a new meaning now and I want it to have a purpose! Thank you for reaching out to me!

  2. Kristy, when my dad died back in 1986 I would go into my parents closet And smell his clothes. I did this for months. I would smell anything that had belonged to him. I did this for hours when I was alone. I needed to smell him so I knew he wasn’t gone. I knew he was, but smelling his things, even the police uniforms laundered and hanging in perfect order made me feel close to him and I knew I still had a dad regardless of him not being physically there anymore. You wash those clothes only if you are moved too… You leave them unwashed as is as long as you need them too. Your journey has no calendar nor time. Thinking of you and your son daily… Leah.

    1. Awwwww that is so sweet.. I was sniffing Chase’s robe hanging over the door a couple of hours ago. And gosh it is so him. We will do anything to bring there presence back. I love smelling his things. Yesterday I got in his car to run the battery to make sure it would start and man, the entire car was life; It smelled like him, there were water bottles and energy drinks sporadically on the floor along with fast food receipts. The radio immediately came on and I heard his music and could feel him in his car going for a drive. It was so real. Made me miss him terribly but it was nice. After that, I will not be washing his clothes 🙂 I am in no rush. I thought I was ready to sell his car but nope, that isn’t happening either. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story about your Dad. I’m sure you miss him! He is with you always!!!

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